Comic Reviews and Opinions For The Rest Of Us...

Steven Seagal Energy Drinks: Eat Thunder and Crap Your Soul!

In Random Shit on December 15, 2006 at 10:02 pm

Whilst wandering Wal-Mart today as I often do when I’m bored (shut up, its a small town!), I happened upon what I thought to be part joke from God, part sign of the Apocolypse.

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink

Yes, its Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt Energy Drink, available in two delicious sounding yet ultimatly vague flavors: “Cherry Charge” and “Asian Experience”.

Ok, first sign this was a bad purchase: They’re $1 a pop. Second sign? Exactly what the hell kind of flavor is “Asian Experience”?

Well, I picked up one of each, and let me tell you, I believe this was made by brewing Steven’s own sweat. It tastes like a hippie ate an entire herb shop and shat out the resulting mess into a pot. Don’t pick this up expecting the tasty zing of Red Bull or the sweet kick of AMP; this was reminescent of a bottle of expired V8. No, really. Its that fucking bad.

As far as what kind of flavor Asian Experience is, I still have no damn idea. The cans themselves feature only a beautifully rendered picture of Steven, apparently trying to take a shit (or who knows what, he always looks that way), with a list of the ingredients around the rim of the can. Aside from the name of the flavor, I could find no indication as to what exactly they were. But considering its the same ingredients in just about every energy drink made, I can imagine what it was supposed to be.

Maybe its your thing. I dunno, it could have been just me. Just me and the other two people I had try this shit, granted, but stranger things have happened. As for me, I’m only going to be buying two more cans Steven, and that’s to pull out at get-togethers for a good laugh, until about 2025, when I can hock them on eBay for about $2500. The winning bidder? Probably you, Steven Segal, trying to remember a time when people were crazy enough to let a mediocre actor/action star be featured on an energy drink.

Me? I’ll be back at Wal-Mart. If this is any indication, it won’t be much longer until we get Chuck Norris’ Roundhouse Kick Power Bars.

  1. “Asian Experience,” eh? Did it taste anything like a meal served with far too much rice?

  2. Please, the chinese place here used to cook their rice in a mop bucket, and it still tasted better than this shit.

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